A book review: Raising Cain

I recently finished reading Raising Cain for one of my two(!) book clubs - this book club focuses on mamahood and raising children (my other book club is focused on current fiction, mostly).  It was a pretty sobering book:  the premise is that boys aren't receiving the "emotional literacy" to respond to the situations and changes that they face throughout boyhood - instead they often resort to stoicism or solitude.  The topics of sex, alcoholism, depression, suicide, and violence, for this mother-of-a-four-year-old-boy were a bit alarming.  I definitely became more self-aware and probably self-conscious of everyday interactions with my boy...  maybe even paranoid.  Unlike the other books we've read for our book club, Raising Cain didn't include a "how to" or guidance to prevent such horrible outcomes that were presented as case studies... until the very last chapter.  I am so glad I stuck with it, but WOW.  The book could have been more instructive throughout.  At least to prevent some hyperventilating.

Despite my apprehensions with this book, it was truly enlightening.  Other books we've read, such as How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (which I strongly recommend), also emphasize the need to encourage our children to express their feelings by gently expressing our own.  Raising Cain offered the same advice, only it was not shy about presenting some consequences for not doing this.  And the consequences took many scary forms.

The authors' emphasis on the importance of "emotional literacy" - for which moms and dads play unique roles in shaping - was really eye-opening.  I have so much to be thankful for in that my DH of 10 years has a tremendous capacity to love and express love to our children, and he has had a significant role in their childcare.  Which is apparently a huge deal anecdotally and statistically.  How lucky is this mama?

The other part that really resonated with me, especially because I have a hard time relating to it, focused on the unique behavior of boys that can, well, sometimes drive me crazy - the constant activity, movement, fiddling with everything, impulsiveness, not thinking-before-acting...  This is all pretty new to me, and according to Matthew, the apple hasn't fallen too far from the tree - not his tree, anyway.  I've found myself overwhelmed at times by my need for more order and control (the enfj in me?  particularly the "J" - I knew those project management classes would come in handy).  What?!  A losing battle, clearly.  The book encourages us to embrace this behavior and not respond with too much outright negativity (unless it's entirely appropriate).  Basically, give boys a safe place to express their high level of activity.  Now, that may have seemed obvious, but what a relief for me!  I should not only expect it, but I should celebrate their exuberance.  Celebrate exuberance!  That actually sounds like fun - and just the nudge I needed as I am about to become a mother of two boys... What great advice for me in the year of JOY.