A book review: Raising Cain

I recently finished reading Raising Cain for one of my two(!) book clubs - this book club focuses on mamahood and raising children (my other book club is focused on current fiction, mostly).  It was a pretty sobering book:  the premise is that boys aren't receiving the "emotional literacy" to respond to the situations and changes that they face throughout boyhood - instead they often resort to stoicism or solitude.  The topics of sex, alcoholism, depression, suicide, and violence, for this mother-of-a-four-year-old-boy were a bit alarming.  I definitely became more self-aware and probably self-conscious of everyday interactions with my boy...  maybe even paranoid.  Unlike the other books we've read for our book club, Raising Cain didn't include a "how to" or guidance to prevent such horrible outcomes that were presented as case studies... until the very last chapter.  I am so glad I stuck with it, but WOW.  The book could have been more instructive throughout.  At least to prevent some hyperventilating.

Despite my apprehensions with this book, it was truly enlightening.  Other books we've read, such as How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (which I strongly recommend), also emphasize the need to encourage our children to express their feelings by gently expressing our own.  Raising Cain offered the same advice, only it was not shy about presenting some consequences for not doing this.  And the consequences took many scary forms.

The authors' emphasis on the importance of "emotional literacy" - for which moms and dads play unique roles in shaping - was really eye-opening.  I have so much to be thankful for in that my DH of 10 years has a tremendous capacity to love and express love to our children, and he has had a significant role in their childcare.  Which is apparently a huge deal anecdotally and statistically.  How lucky is this mama?

The other part that really resonated with me, especially because I have a hard time relating to it, focused on the unique behavior of boys that can, well, sometimes drive me crazy - the constant activity, movement, fiddling with everything, impulsiveness, not thinking-before-acting...  This is all pretty new to me, and according to Matthew, the apple hasn't fallen too far from the tree - not his tree, anyway.  I've found myself overwhelmed at times by my need for more order and control (the enfj in me?  particularly the "J" - I knew those project management classes would come in handy).  What?!  A losing battle, clearly.  The book encourages us to embrace this behavior and not respond with too much outright negativity (unless it's entirely appropriate).  Basically, give boys a safe place to express their high level of activity.  Now, that may have seemed obvious, but what a relief for me!  I should not only expect it, but I should celebrate their exuberance.  Celebrate exuberance!  That actually sounds like fun - and just the nudge I needed as I am about to become a mother of two boys... What great advice for me in the year of JOY.

enfj

For my Project Mgmt class, we each took the Myers-Briggs type indicator (MBTI) to determine which of the sixteen "types" we are.  Part of me really does not like the idea of a personality type, and I'm sure there are lots of ways to poke holes in the test, but apparently its a pretty baseline indicator that's been around a while.  In any case,  it was part of the intro to the "Communications and Teamwork" section of our course, and we took it as a way to understand where each of us is coming from - how we make decisions and react and process information, how we make things happen, etc.  Then we used our own "type" to understand how we can each "flex" to communicate with others - those who are on opposite ends of the spectrum.  The subject matter was pretty fascinating, and it really shined some light on areas where I've had trouble communicating both at work and with my family, and how simple changes in behavior can help me reach out to others.

According to Myers-Briggs, I am an "enfj":

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging ...


in plain English, it tells me that I'm an extrovert, big-picture thinking, heartstrong listmaker.  But I think we knew that.  I also found a longer explanation.

ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability. 

ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. Their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their NFP counterparts.

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.

I'm taking this with a little grain of salt on some humble pie.

And now, a funny story:  Before we were married, and on a roadtrip to meet Matthew's grandparents in Woodward, Matthew's mom quizzed my personality with a few tests, including the Myers-Briggs - for fun, mainly, but I think she was also curious to see how I make decisions, how I communicate, how I balance Matt...  If you, gentle readers, knew my mother-in-law, you wouldn't bat an eye at this story.  She's harmless.  Still, it was a little intimidating and awkwardly humorous.  It still is.  But I took the test, as any potential future daughter-in-law would, and found out I'm an enfj.  I wasn't sure what to do with that information, since I didn't know much about MBTI.  Afterward, we all discussed what everyone else is (I only remember that Matt's an intj), and it didn't emotionally cripple me... 

So here I am, 10 years later, still an enfj.  But even more so - I'm a little more polar in the MBTI ranking... I guess these past 10 years were filled with life changes - marriage, job, two degrees, two children.  I'm apparently digging in, channeling my enfj-ness.  Apparently, simply the awareness of my enfj will help me communicate and understand people who are not so inclined.  I'll check back in with that.