Pause.

Happy 2013.  A few weeks ago, a dear friend, mother, grandmother, and dear sweet woman whom I called Aunt Terri passed away.  A shock.  Grief and mourning.  And I take pause.   When Matthew and I moved to the Pacific Northwest ten years ago, she and Uncle Lou opened their homes and hearts to us unconditionally.  This life is so quick.  Her life teaches me that LOVE is the greatest gift.  Who are we, what is this life without LOVE?  Share it; spread it; give it openly. 

Her family, whom I claim as my own, celebrated her life in a funeral just days before Christmas.  They were so full of grace; in my grief I had to admire their peacefulness.  This song, “It is well with my soul” was comfort to me during the service. 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul

Thanksgiving resolution? SERENITY NOW.

I admit, I'm ready for resolutions again.  Maybe it's a sign that I need to get back to list-making.  My recent yoga comeback (which has happened every day but twice!) re-invigorated a little self-reflection about the year of JOY.  It has been a challenging word for me to self-regulate all year, to be completely honest.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful - there is indeed SO MUCH in my life that gives me reason to be joyful - I just believe I'm lacking a critical prerequisite to do so holistically.

I've noticed more and more recently, that if I want to embody joy, I must first embody: calm. peace. relaxation. tranquility.  It hit me this year in October, my crazy time of year, as I'm running around like the proverbial chicken, trying to fulfill birthday and Halloween expectations (my own, probably, above all), within four hectic weeks.  It's next to impossible to feel joyful during the most joyful circumstances, without some inner peace.  Yeah, I need to chill out.  Yoga is helping me to realize some moments of meditation - to clear my mind, stretch my body, and let my tensions melt away.  I haven't done this all year!  How can I hope to emanate joy to those around me when I am not at peace, physically and emotionally?

For this new year (and why wait until the new year?), I'm taking a second cut to holistically embody joy, because it is such a worthy and wonderful virtue - I am once again excited about this goal!  Even more importantly, I will first seek to embody peace.  Ommmmm....

JOY for the New Year

Happy New Year!  What a year!  2010 started out with a New Year's party, posole, and the goal to spend more time with friends and family.  This year we hosted New Year's again, complete with posole and an East Coast countdown for the kids, who didn't quite make it to midnight.  Matthew even led the kids (13 of them!) in a practice countdown (so they'd know what to do - all of them were 4 years old and under) with percussion instruments and kazoos.  Fun times.  Oh, how New Year's Eves have changed...

2010 was an unpredictable year.  I started out with so many goals, and changed course so many times.  I accomplished some of the goals, some not so much. We were able to complete our will, make the final payment on our Subaru, plan our trip to Hawaii to celebrate 10 years of marriage, and figure out a way for me to earn my project management certificate.  Whew.

And then the beginning of my pregnancy spurred a halt in the completion of anything (which lasted a few months).  When I found out that we would become a family of FIVE in March 2011, all my energy seemed to evaporate as this new reality sunk in.  I waited almost 18 weeks before I let the cat out of the bag publicly.  There were so many questions I anticipated that I wouldn't know the answer to, and I really didn't want to hear the questions, e.g. Are you going to stop working?  How much time are you taking off?  Are you going to get a new car?  Are you going to move to a bigger house?  What are you going to do about daycare?  On and on...  I still get the questions and I still don't know all the answers, but it just doesn't matter.  In this two-kid town of Portland, we will have three kids.  Done.  We bought a mini-van, and I kind of like it.  We'll have three kids in daycare for a few months until Dean is in kindergarten, and we're not the first family that has done it.  So freaking what.  Somehow we'll manage.  After all, I am #3 child in my family of SIX, and if my parents were ever freaked out about having three kids when I was born, and then one more after my brother was born, I never knew it.  We were normal.

As I was coming out of my pregnancy brain coma, I worked on Fiona's baby album (which I managed to complete before she turned two!  Yay!), and I started getting excited about the baby in my belly.  Holding Fiona for the first time, introducing her to her big brother, taking her home and bathing her, feeding her, watching her grow and change and develop into a feisty little girl - it all happened quickly and naturally.  She and Dean are now peas in a pod.  So our pod will get a little bigger.

We started sharing our news finally this fall, and I actually was surprised by all of the support (why was this surprising?).  We took some steps back into our social scene, hosting parties to celebrate Matt's, Dean's, and Fiona's birthdays, and we even were convinced to throw another New Year's bash.  My creativity was sparked when my mom visited in November.  She and I were a bustling sewing team, creating skirts and dresses for Fiona, and trading tips on the best sewing blogs (me) and how to fully appreciate the power and skill of my Bernina (Mom).  I have been on a crafting frenzy since she left.

I'm back, and I'm enjoying this sudden burst of energy.

2011 holds so much promise.  My sister issued a one-word challenge for the new year, of one virtue or attitude that we should try to embody.  I immediately thought of JOY.  This new year began with both my children and my husband celebrating joyfully among friends, making all kinds of happy noise to welcome the new year, and the baby in my belly responded with kicks and movement.  For the moment, no one was worrying, anticipating answers to all the unknown questions or challenges of the upcoming year.  It seems so simple, but after the last few months, I want this self-reminder to be jubilant - in thanksgiving of the present and hope for the future.  I will try to embody this feeling of joy.

swift to love

"Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are travelling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind."

 Henri Frédéric Amiel (1821-1881) Swiss writer.

I am ashamed for not always taking the time to lift up, celebrate, and reach out to those around me - neighbors, coworkers, friends, and even my family.  Love comes from within ourselves, but if it remains there, it will dry up, unexposed and meaningless.

I am reflecting on love and life, but this time it's not guided by estate planning:   My dear friend's brother passed away this week at age 37.  Reaching out to him, I was so dumbstruck that I had trouble finding the words to express my sorrow.

I'm also struggling with these last few months at work, where (for a number of reasons, too many to discuss here) the environment has ranged anywhere from indifferent to toxic, and morale is the lowest I can remember.  Today, I was humbled by how little effort it took toward building trust, and frankly, it's embarrassing that so much time had passed.  I have not exactly radiated with kindness lately.  Death is a raw reminder to answer the call to love.  Oh be swift.